Friday Night Ramble

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You know what? Sometimes the strangest things smack me upside the head. For instance, I was soaking in the tub, reading my bible when I suddenly got owned. (Seriously… I think God knows that my guard goes down when I’m in the bathroom or something…) Anyway, this is what I read:

     For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
     Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

And I was like… wow, what a prayer. I don’t think I come close at all when I pray. So I read it out loud… and my own voice lacked conviction. I couldn’t even pray this prayer. Wacky…

After that, I did my own personal prayer time and well… this is what came out of it.

I’ve been having this nagging feeling that I’m wasting my time. And almost every time… without fail, this verse comes up in my mind (Yes, paraphrased and not memorized…).

He answered: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'”

I’ve begun to get this strange idea in my head and I’m not sure it’s biblically correct, but it keeps comming back up, repeatedly. I think that if I’m not spending my time loving God, loving people or loving myself…. I’m wasting my time. If I spend my time trying to always be right… or always looking slick… or sounding smart… It’s a waste of time. But if I use knowledge to build up other people… or dress to make people feel comfortable… or speak truth with love… then, I’m not wasting my time. That really… God’s commandments really boil down to one simple thing… applied broadly… excruciatingly broadly.

I still want someone to run this race with. I’m beginning to wonder if there are any disciplers of men out there. Or maybe, it would be better phrased as… is there a mentor for me out there? I know a pretty good amount of Christians both male and female, but I don’t know alot of male with either the motivation or the time to disciple someone. I’m tired of being ambushed. I’m tired of trying to be politically correct. I’m disgusted with all this crap in my heart. I’d like to dig that puppy out with a dull spoon, if I thought it might do some good. But I doubt it. Gotta keep beating up the body, strengthening the mind, and guarding the heart.

God’s also been showing me alot of stuff about the brothers and sisters around me. One of them feels the need to correct… and always be in the right. I know how that is. Another seems kinda stoic. I don’t know if being stoic is sinful, but personally, my own experience tells me that perhaps there is a need to accept the emotional side as ok. That God gave us emotions as well as logical reasoning as a blessing. Another just confuses me. Must be a spirit thing… moving like the wind, don’t know where it came from… don’t know where it’s going… yeah. Another is so guarded. It took almost 2 years before I actually heard him being himself… what a game of hide and seek that was… Another is completely comfortable in her own skin. No need to prove yourself or meet some sort of standard… just being. It’s liberating. Yet another seems to be going down the wrong path for all intensive purposes. God save us from ourselves. “She has to love God & Jesus.” would be the best way to put it. I went down this path before myself. I hope my friend doesn’t have to learn this lesson the hard way like I did. Another comes from a non-Christian family like me. There’s a click there that’s almost audible. Another is so concerned with what other people think… and base so many decisions on it. “Who is YOUR god?” I get self-conscious when I’m trying to praise God during worship time… and each time, it reminds me that really… worship is between me and God… where and when did all these other people get mixed up in this business? Or feeling guilty about smoking. I think that when we get down to it… we all have our failings. Don’t make it seem like somehow smoking is worse than say… being proud, or hypocrisy or NOT loving your neighbor. Yes, smoking is nasty… yes, it’s not exactly taking care of God’s temple (our bodies)… but then again… how about the fat people? or the anorexic people? or gluttons? or junk food addicts? crack smokers? insomniacs? Isn’t it basically the same thing? Abusing the temple? we’re all the same… sinners. God’s got a way of leveling the playing field like no amount of affirmative action ever will. We are all sinners… and some of us have received the gift of God’s grace. Don’t try to rank sins… it’s a waste of time. The last one… well. innocent, sweet, and kind… I’m still considering whether to say something… and how to say it, but what came up was: “be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves”.

Alright… I’m tired. I’m gonna go crash. If you actually took the time to actually read, feel free to drop me a comment. To the rest of you xanga skimmers…

Latez

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