Monday October 7, 2002

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
      Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Matthew 22:36-40 NIV

How to give (constructive) criticism

     I don’t take criticism very well. When your parents have put you down so many times, you learn some mental fencing techniques to help keep your self-esteem and sanity intact. So when someone criticizes me, I’m gonna go defensive. Anything that even slightly comes out as a personal attack will make me do that. And when I go defensive, I am no longer listening to who is speaking. I hear them, but I don’t try to digest what they are saying; I’m too busy mentally preparing what I can say next to defend myself. This is not to say that I don’t need some self-improvement. I’m not perfect and when there’s some issues to be taken care of, you can be sure that I am going to work on it. But that’s a whole other story. The problem is getting it through my thick skull that there is a problem in the first place. Denial is such a simple thing… ^.^

     First, set the focus. When you are going to criticize someone, don’t focus on what they did wrong. If you come at it from that angle, I’ll put up my mental shields. Instead talk about yourself and how you are being affected by this personal issue of mine. When you put it that way, it no longer can be viewed as an attack. Instead, it’s seen as a mutual issue and both sides need to talk it over. When you say what the issue is, make it specific. Specifically where did this problem come from? during an argument? during a discussion? day-to-day interaction? Saying something like “You’re always nagging me.” will not provoke any sort of introspection…

     You are telling them this because you think they should know. Remember why you are telling the person this. If you are criticizing in anger, then I think you are lashing out which is not helpful at all (Get a handle on that temper). The reason why you criticize is to help correct something that you think is a problem and to help your friend see your point of view. Remember to do it lovingly.

Inspired by a conversation with a close friend.