I’ve learned two things this past month. I’d like to share with you reading there. For those who are just skimming, I will try to keep this short & sweet.
I suck at fighting on a heart-level. Logic & knowledge… no sweat. Depression, sadness, fear, pride, love… guh. so weak. Where’s the joy gone?
(P.S. I had more typed, but it got accidentally deleted and I don’t think I can re-type it. sorry.)
I’ve got an interesting story. I think I have some trouble communicating with women. Not on a spoken basis, but rather… a sub-conscious level? I have friends with ladies that I’m not interested in. I do my best to help them when they are going through tough times and just be around when they need someone to shut up and listen. (I don’t know if I do a really good job of shutting up and listening sometimes… by anyway.) I’ve had this friend for about… say 2 yrs now? and she keeps getting the idea that I’m interested in her. Luckily for me, this lady is completely blunt & up-front. She’s told me (straight-up, no-nonsense terms) that she’s not interested in me except for as a friend. I’m cool with that, cuz I’m not interested in her either. But evidently something keeps setting off her alarms because she’s felt the need to inform me of this fact… say 3 times now?
Sure, maybe her mental alerts are kinda sensitive… But this is not the first time that I’ve given a lady an impression that I’m interested when I just wanted to be friends. After pondering this in my heart for awhile, this is what came back. For some ladies, I feel somehow like they are my little sisters and I just want to help them. Deep down in my heart, it’s simply that… I wish to be of service. But there’s another piece sitting in there that does not show itself quite as readily. Deep down, I also have another type of drive. This desire to be intimate with a woman. And I’m not talking about just sex. I’m talking about I want to know what drives her. What makes her smile. What makes her sad. What makes her feel loved. I just wish to be close to her.
But evidently I am not very good at sorting out my signals. Or maybe I’m accidentally sending out signals. Thoughts?
Then we shall know fully, even as we are fully known.
Dad, It seems I’ve lost that joy you gave me. A little help, please? Thank you for the work you’ve done so far, but it seems there’s still quite a way to go and I know I can’t make it on my own. Lead on again. I want to try to follow again. Help me to keep you #1. You know I haven’t been doing a good job at that either. I’m sure there’s other stuff, but you know all about that. May Your good will be done. In your son’s precious name, Amen.
My Brother, I know exactly what you mean! Have you been reading my blog? haha.. That line is so hard to define, the problem is that it is different for each person. For some people I can hug and know it is a brotherly-sisterly hug, with others I am afraid to say hi to because it can be mistaken as showing interest.
Brother I think you are too handsome, you just attract people to you. haha.. Serious dude, if you work out the answer please please let me know cause I have the same problem. Oh if you don’t help them out, they complain to their friends that you are a male-block head who is insensitive and arrogant.. mmm.. no win situation. But praise God, He has placed some dear sisters in my midst that will stand up for me. :headbanger:
ahh… yeah, that’s always tough..haha…awhile back… naively i thought it was ok for me to counsel younger brothers, but i realize there’s possibility of misunderstanding there too…=P. or maybe we all desire to be vunerable with each other, and when it is there… confusion arises? er…i have no clue what i’m saying…. i’m definitely no expert…i’m good at distancing myself =P.
and i dont think you are alone in your troubles…haha…i think it is easier to be friends with ones that we are not interested in =P…cause maybe we’re not focusing on impressing the other person? hmm, at the same time why can’t we be natural with everyone? we are a big family in Christ right? always tough =P.
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off that topic…anyways, have you ever explored what is causing your depression? pray for insight and healing =). i suck at fighting those battles too. so i feel ya bro…keep fighting the good fight of faith =) and persevere!
i think she keeps mistaking it cuz for most guys, wanting to get to know a girl that well signals interest. i’ve gotten hit on when i thought i was just hanging out with a guy, let alone getting to know me. but it’s ok hon, i’ll be ur friend. 😀
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Depression: You like books, right? I recommend Depression: A Stubborn Darkness–Light for the Path by Edward T. Welch. It offers a lot of scripture, a lot of truth about what may be causing your depression, and a lot of practical things you can do to fight it. It’s really challenging, and some of what it had to say was really difficult for me when I was struggling, but it was really helpful, and really good for me.
Mixed signals: I’ve been on the receiving end before. I think that showing a lot of intentionality in spending time with a woman or learning more about her often communicates romantic interest, even where there is none. Maybe that’s what’s going on.
Grace and peace.
~Tara
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RYC: The phone I have is a Sony Ericsson 800i.. not a bad phone.. Very surprise.
Hang in there with the depression Bro, you aren’t alone in this. Many of us go with it, but I guess the important thing is to dig deep with Jesus and surround ourselves with great breathren that just loves us for who we are.. Don’t isolate ourselves. The sacrifice of praise, a living offering.
(PS: oh no!!! There is not headbanger??!!! AARRGGGHHH….) :spirit:
You can’t think about your actions in isolation, they have to be taken in context. And the context is that guys don’t consistently go out of their way for a woman unless their interested. I even had one guy– *the* leader of my college fellowship– explain to me that he didn’t have to take the time to figure out how to help me through my depression because “it’s not like you’re my girlfriend. If you were, then I’d have to figure out in a hurry what you needed or risk losing you.” But as he wasn’t getting anything in return, he had no desire or obligation to go out of his way for me. I’m DEFINITELY not saying that this is an appropriate attitude– I think it’s appalling and for a while I hated all men because of those statements. But it is (an extreme?) indication of what some men (Christian and non… prob more non) think about their relationships with women, or at least how they act in those relationships. So when a woman comes across a guy who really just genuinely wants to actively love her in a platonic way, it’s quite possibly something she’s never experienced before from a non-relative/romantically interested man.
Now to my point: You definitely give out mixed signals. And I think that most of it is due to the fact that you do things for and with women that NO MAN does with women he’s not interested in. (Like hang out at her house for six hours and watch Pride and Prejudice. It was fun, but no other guy I know would EVER do that with me). If you’re really concerned about giving the wrong impression and want to be more cautious, I’d suggest you talk to some trusted brothers about what they typically do when they’re interested in a girl and what they don’t do, and maybe bounce scenarios off of girls you trust and get their feedback on what kind of signals your words/actions have sent to girls who have gotten the wrong idea. Or make the platonic love-fest a group activity. I wish we lived in a world where you didn’t have to do that and you could show your brotherly love and affection to your little heart’s content. But I think it’s advisable to love a little less (or in a different way) if it means protecting your sisters from unintended pain (and saving you confusion and frustration would just be that much more of a bonus 😉 ).
“I had more typed, but it got accidentally deleted and I don’t think I can re-type it”
I hate it when that happens.
it’s a tough balance to try to find. i’ve eventually come to a point where i do separate myself because i think i’m one who wants people to be wholly comfortable and intimate with me too. thanks for sharing.
the emotional thing I can’t help you with, except to agree, it’s very hard! I’m terrible at it as well :(. The signal thing, I think it’s hard because one needs to be so careful about gaurding one’s heart and that of a friend. I think it can be insiduous, because as good as our intentions may be, it can be easy to slip down that slope if you spend too much time with someone or let them in too much. Which is such a hard line to walk because we seek to be good friends/bro/sis to others. don’t know if that helps hehehe
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home
Do you get it? Juggling with all your thoughts of whether or not to be intimate…still swimming in the sea looking for that someone special to share the intimacy with… and then hopefully find that someone to run home to… =)
Are you struggling with the thought that you may grow old alone and not be able to connect with someone in an intimate way, i.e. the soulmate kind of way?